I Am Done Lending My Body to People Who Don’t Care

As I walked, I felt nothing but pity.

It was a long drive home. He had rather stopped talking to me after it was finished. His voice mellowed. The excitement to see me’d just, I do not know…faded. He appeared tired and I felt for the first time in those 12 hours I had become nothing but a nuisance.

Needless to say, it was raining when I got to the car, drove it around the corner and cried a little bit into my palms. I’d had a wonderful time. Yes, it was a fantastic time. But that fantastic time as over. There was no staying late and chatting.

I never heard from him again, but I would have liked to.

I have used Grindr to hook up. A great deal more than I want to admit.

Off and on again, like most people I guess, I would get lonely and sign back on. Hit delete when I got frustrated by people who stopped responding or desired to only hook up & go or seemed like they had not showered in a month.

Something changed the last couple of months, though. I heard that a Nicki Minaj tune and something about those lyrics just smacked me right in the fucking face.

I done fasted and prayed, needed to cleanse my body
Abstaining from sex, needed to zen my body
I ai not giving, so don’t ask, I do not lend my body
GotId be king standing to give a guy my body

Perhaps this is absurd, but that really changed my thinking. And I hope this does not come off as prude, but I believe I have felt extremely powerful since I have raised my standard for who I allow to set their hands on me.

Men appear to notice too. They reach out more. Not that there is anything wrong with sleeping with people, but I understood that if I would like to find a person of a particular standard, I have also gotta be that standard.

I strongly feel that we attract what we put out to the world. While I’ve lowered my standards, I have been taken advantage of. My feelings played. My body used as a tool to generate someone else’s feel great. There was no collaboration in that sort of sex. Not me.

I am all for people doing what they want with their body. I do not judge and I won’t preach. But I can tell you from personal experience that there’s power in being the sort of person you wish to attract. Focusing on yourself rather than relying on just how other people treat you.

I need to be treated better. Yes. Duh.

I guess I have just learned to treat myself better.

This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Dear Lover, Please Love Me–Not Just the Good Stuff

The majority of us have experienced falling in love.

We meet. The stars align. DJ Universe plays all the correct tunes on the radio. The chemistry is sweetly perfect and we opt to pursue the dopamine rush, believing that this time it’ll be different.

Only this time, it is 1 person you must rely on in order to grab you, not several.

It is a heady rush.

We, knowingly or not, decide to trust our understanding of the new person…after all, they smell so damn good, say all of the best things, and feel so perfect!

Right?

Loving somebody for who they’re requires a good deal of effort, trust, and vulnerability. It’s a depth of emotional intimacy which demands a conscious option.

A lot of us unconsciously decide to fall in love with that we believe they can become. It is so much easier since our attention is always on the ideal future just around the corner and therefore we could willingly ignore what’s right in front of us, in other words, the true and complete character of our recently chosen partner.

We see just what we would like to see and that vision is intently focused on the tomorrows that might never come. They sparkle with such allure!

This is called falling in love with somebody’s potential. We employ creative and stubborn deafness and blindness in our attempt to prevent reality because reality can be difficult. We’ve got a dreamy notion of what we think we need and place about cramming our new love interest within that unyielding framework.

Our understanding is seldom 100 percent aligned with reality. We hold onto all of the terrific things we have learned about them and combine with all of the things we see them capable of becoming.

The facets of the being that make them faulty –and therefore human–are adroitly ignored.

When we meet Mr. or Ms. Right and they inform us that they occasionally become inaccessible, or that the longest relationship they have had has just been three months, we suddenly develop selective hearing.

We believe that we’ll be the one to change them. We’re their one, true love! We’re the medication they want to cure all their ills. If they would only listen to us they would then attain the perfection that’s always just around the corner. Together with our firehose of caring educated on them we can cleanse them of all their defects. They will finally have the support they need to satisfy their potential. All they need to do is think, right?

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It took some time to understand the meaning of the axiom. For example: if someone tells you they’re perpetually late through action or words you do not necessarily have to kick them to the curb. It’s knowledge from which now you can make an informed option. You may decide you could cope with their lateness habit and consent to make certain compromises, or you might call it a day and continue your search for Mr. or Ms.”Always On Time.” There’s absolutely no blame, shame, or judgment on each side once the truth is on the table. It’s simply information.

Let’s consider the difference between understanding, which by its own definition is:”a means of seeing, comprehension, or interpreting something; a mental impression,” and outlook, which by its own definition is:”accurate comprehension of the relative value of things; a sense of proportion.” Knowing the difference between those two will benefit you a lot of freedom.

Still with me?

As we venture into using perspective rather than perception we can examine our new love in a bigger, more expansive way. The picture is now more in percentage and in equilibrium.

We get to find out who they are right now, at today, as opposed to who they are (which holds zero warranties by the way). We’ll see things that are unsettling, but {} holding the flashlight on them. Light up anything and it becomes less frightening because at least we know what we’re facing.

How would you feel that your lover only loves the nice, fun, sexy, pleasant side of you? It sucks when your loved one holds one to a standard so large as to be eternally out of reach. It is a recipe for failure.

We may safely assume that a lot people struggle with enjoying our own dark, shadow side–our defects. Imagine how much harder that would be when the person who loves us most can not love that side?

If we stay in restricted perception and love someone for just what we choose to see (the simple, fun, sexy, sexy stuff), then we deprive them of an opportunity to perform their sh*t out while at a secure relationship with us. We stand in silent judgment of those.

It’s only by changing to perspective and taking a massive step back to expand our perspective that we can truly find the one we adore in all their humanity–perfections and imperfections vulnerably exposed.

If we choose to open our eyes it will free us to make sound decisions based in the present. We can choose to take their problems as a part of the being; they are, in part, a problem we want to get.

There’s power in knowledge. We get to define our {} boundaries, our requirements, our negotiables and non-negotiables–all based on truth gained from a wider perspective.

We can place ourselves and our nearest and dearest free using a simple shift in thinking.

It starts with choosing to imbue your optimism with raw reality as opposed to becoming a victim of it by staying blind. After all, we all–in our center –want to be loved exactly as we are.

__

Previously Released on Elephant Journal

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Why You’re Ghosted and Things To Do

It can leave you with unanswered questions which make it tough to proceed. Although ghosting also happens in friendships, it is usually related to dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears after years of marriage. It is like a sudden death of the individual and the marriage. But the unexplained, unexpected end to a short romantic relationship may feel like betrayal and shatter your confidence in yourself, in love, and in other men and women.

It is a shock to the heart when you care about somebody who suddenly cuts off you without any explanation.

If you insist on understanding and receive a response like,”I just don’t feel it anymore,” it is not satisfying. You still need to know”WHY?” We’re information-seeking animals. Our mind is wired into wonder and search for answers. Once we pose a query, it looks for answers. We attempt to reconnectwhy babies shout when they want their mother. Rejection can cause obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, like stalking your ex’s social media, which fuels more pain and more queries.

Ghosted in a Romance

It is devastating to be ghosted throughout the romantic phase, but that is usually when it happens. Your hopes for the future might be unexpectedly and inexplicably dashed. If this ends the connection, at least you have an understanding of why it did not work and possibly agree.

This takes two people compatible and dedicated to making the relationship work. They have to also have sufficient self-esteem and freedom to provide without feeling dizzy or dizzy and get without feeling unworthy or smothered.

In dating, frequently there is less responsibility, depending upon various factors: How you met (a chat room or hookup program ), the person’s maturity and values, length of the connection, and frequency of face-to-face contact. Technology promotes less emotional involvement. If instead, you met through mutual friends, there is more incentive to be on good behaviour or other friends will hear about.

Ghosting might begin with an unanswered text or telephone, or long silences between answers, until there are not any. Here are eight reasons why Someone might ghost Rather than communicate:

  1. They are chicken: Folks who do not handle conflict well fear confrontation. They expect criticism and drama and would like to prevent a breakup conversation. They may rationalize to themselves that they are sparing your feelings by not recognizing that they no longer need to in continue the connection. But leaving without a word, let alone closure, is much more cruel and painful.
  2. They are avoidant: Ghosts are more likely to have intimacy problems, which explain why they leave a connection that is getting close. They are emotionally inaccessible  and might have an avoidant attachment style.
  3. They are ashamed: People who have low self-esteem wish to avoid criticism and the pity they expect if you get to know them –one reason for avoiding intimacy. They also expect to feel pity for hurting you. Their lack of bounds makes them feel responsible for your feelings, even though inverse is true. They are responsible for how they communicate, but not to your response. If they would like to end a connection, you’re eligible for an honest explanation. Thus, in attempting to prevent false responsibility, they err by not accepting responsibility for their {} , causing you the unnecessary pain that they were hoping to avoid.
  4. They are busy: When you are not exclusive and admit that dating somebody else is fine, your spouse may assume that the relationship is casual. While dating others, you or your messages may have been overlooked or forgotten. Your date might have already moved on or simply not made time to react. When later realizing this, he or she’s too embarrassed to answer and rationalizes your”thing” was not serious in the first location.
  5. They are  game-players: To a daters, especially narcissists, relationships are only a way to satisfy their own egos and sexual demands. They are not interested in a commitment or concerned with your feelings, even although they may feign that if they are seducing you. They are gamers , and to them, relationships are a match. They are not emotionally involved and can act callously once they are no longer interested, particularly in the event that you express expectations or needs.
  6. They are depressed or overwhelmed: Many people are able to hide depression for some time. The ghost may be too sad to continue and not wish to reveal what is really happening in their life. There can be other life events that you do not know about that take precedence, like a job loss or family or personal illness or emergency.
  7. They are seeking safety: If you have raged before or are violent or abusive, you might be ghosted in self-protection.
  8. They are setting a border : If you have annoyed and smothered your buddy with regular texts or texts, especially if they have asked you not to, then their silence is sending a message, since you have ignored their boundaries. You probably have an anxious attachment style and are drawn to people with avoidant styles. “

Things to Do if You Have Been Ghosted

If you have been ghosted, the most important thing to understand is that in the huge majority of instances, ghosting behaviour reflects on another person not you. It is time to let go.

The other individual has decided to proceed for whatever reason. Accepting that’s more important than understanding why. The ghost can also be demonstrating he or she does not respect your feelings and lacks essential communication and conflict resolution abilities which make relationships work. Your feelings aside, think about whether you actually  want a connection with them.

Understand that you can’t work out the ghost’s motives in mind. Let go of obsessive thoughts, and permit yourself to feel both anger and despair, without falling into pity. Open your heart to yourself with additional doses of self-loveeverything you wanted from another person.

AVOID SELF-BLAME

Deal with ghosting in a wholesome way. Rejection can be painful, but you do not need to pile on unnecessary distress. Do not blame yourself or let someone else’s bad behavior to reduce your self-esteem. Even if the ghost considers you were not what he or she was searching for, that does not mean that you’re undesirable to somebody else. You can’t make anyone love you. You just might not have been a fantastic match. He or she’s not your final hope to get a partner!

If you are tempted to write or telephone, think of how the conversation goes, how you will feel, and if you’d even get a truthful answer from the individual. Quite often, the individual ending a connection will not be honest about the reasons or might not even have the ability to articulate them, since they’re only going with their gut feelings. Men have a tendency to do so more than women, who examine and ruminate more. Additionally, the odds are you will be rejected another time. Would that hurt? To cure faster specialists advise no touch after a separation, including all social websites. Read more hints  about the best way best to recover.

If you find it difficult to give up your ghost and pursue a dialog, resist any temptation to lure them back. Instead, communicate that their behaviour was unacceptable and hurtful. To put it differently, be solved that you are now rejecting them. Then, proceed. Beware that if you are still vulnerable and hurting, contact may prolong your despair. If you do not feel powerful, such a dialogue may not help you let go, Also, bear in mind that anger is not always strength. It might be a temporary period of despair, followed by more overlooking the individual.

DON’T ISOLATE

Get back into life, and organize activities with friends. You may require a break from dating for some time, but socialize and do other things which you enjoy. Don’t let yourself fall into melancholy , which is different from mourning.

© 2019 Darlene Lancer

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