I Benefited in My Relationships From Other Men’s’Bad’ Behaviour– I Just Didn’t Know It

I understand being’good’ isn’t enough if I wish to help prevent male violence against women.

I have always been pretty sure of myself as a’good’ man, one that has attempted to treat girlfriends and spouses’well’  — but I am not positive if being emotionally distant and serially walking away from perfectly good relationships just because I fancied a change, as I have done before, can definitely count as being that’great’, except possibly in a comparative sense.

But reading more of this seemingly endless stream of headlines and articles about sex violence being committed by men and hear girls friends’ stories about their dysfunctional past and current partners, it dawned on me that since lots of guys seem to be quite bad at communicating with and listening to girls; and even worse, because too many appear to have to be competitive and commanding in their relationships; it has made it much easier for me to be appreciated by means of a partner by simply having no other qualities than being an ordinary bloke who does not behave like an arsehole.

From what girls tell me, lots of the men they’ve known have been fairly hopeless at love — or at knowing what women want and being willing and able to provide it — or have been viewed as potentially (or actually) dangerous, in relationships and in general. I can vouch for the validity of those feelings from personal experience; virtually every girl I have been out with has told me she has been sexually assaulted at some time in the past — sometimes badly.

It is painful to admit it, but on reflection, I believe that I have usually had the upper hand in determining if a connection proceeds, at least partially because out there in the world I could be confident that the odds of me end up with an abusive spouse are tiny in comparison to those of any girl. Because I have been viewed as fairly’safe’ — and I know more or less where a goddess is and what to do with it –it has been rare that a spouse has wanted to leave meand as a former commitment-phobe in over twenty relatively’serious’ relationships, I have always been the one to walk away. I now find this has been my subconscious privilege, a type of blindness to my man entitlement as a supposedly’good’ man partly benefitting from the anxiety and sense of danger that’bad’ guys create.

All that changed with my current relationship — when I finally felt ready and able to properly love and get near a girl, who turned out to have been serially abused in a variety of ways by her ex-husband during their long marriage. I heard more about the actual harm done to her, and the many other girls who find themselves in a similar situation, and realised {} unless I had been actively involved in attempting to make the world safer for women, I would be complicit in perpetuating the sort gender violence and toxic masculinity which I professed to hate.

I understand now that’not being poor’ in my privileged position as a guy in a male-dominated culture isn’t enough — and that if I need to see myself as a fantastic man I want to understand better the reality of the fear and warning that women live with in regard to men, and create a profound commitment to doing anything I can to change this. Not to follow this route would be an act of cowardice and hypocrisy that I couldn’t live with.

So I decided to devote as much of the rest of my life as I can to work towards an end of male violence against women. So far this has included training with the Alternatives to Violence Project, with the intention of working with groups of guys in prison, and participation with the fantastic Lad initiative who work with groups of boys in secondary schools to increase their awareness of gender stereotypes and the way ideas about’masculinity’ can harm their ability to show and express their authentic emotional selves and to relate to women and women in a wholesome way. Finally, I am supporting the White Ribbon UK effort that’s devoted to eradicating gender violence against women in britain. I hope that I can make a difference and make certain my professed belief in gender equality is based on how I really live as a (more) aware man.

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These Four Words Are Certain to Supercharge Your Love Life.

I know. But trust me!

First of all, I am not going to allow you to read through this article to find out that those four words are:”What turns you on”?

But why am I so sure that this simple question will make such a gigantic difference to your {} enjoyment of sexual activity together (assuming you are not already using them, that is)?

It’s this. Women friends have repeatedly explained that their guys don’t appear to comprehend how they like to be touched and loved — or to have a lot of interest in finding out. And I have been one of those guys for a lot of my life — until my present partner (and now wife) did me the enormous favour of explaining that she could tell I was guessing at what she wanted from me in bed, and most of the time I was imagining wrong. She wondered why I did not just simply ask her. This question was so fundamental and so evident, it left me wondering why in the world I had never done that with her, or with any other girl I had been to bed with.

It was not that I did not care — I did…a lot! Partly because I wanted to be thought of as’a fantastic lover’ (or at least good enough for a woman to want to come back for more) and partially because in mind I did want our experience of sex to be enjoyable. Like most guys, I would not have been happy eating ice cream when I thought my partner was having to make do with a slice of bread. However, by not only asking that question, and acting on the response, that was too often the situation I had been (in all senses of the word) creating!

Those girls friends have told me that they often feel that their spouses are absent-minded or indifferent to their expertise in bed — and they have a feeling of being poked at in an insensitive manner because he’s in a rush to complete. The outcome? They feel frustrated and frustrated — feelings that over time can {} into the sort of buried resentment that’s often simmering in the heart of arguments over anything in the washing as much as politics, and which could be the source of an otherwise promising connection strangely ending. This certainly helped me understand better why some of my liaisons had gone wrong before.

They also state if they heard that’magic question’ in their spouse and felt that their response was listened to, and — most importantly! — acted on, their entire experience of being in bed {} be transformed. And they’d also be massively encouraged to ask him the same question so that they would know how to do what he enjoys best too.

This is the terrific double advantage that comes after using these four magical words along with your lover; not only will you be having the delight and joy of turning her on and becoming a sexual maestro in her eyes by doing what works for her, but she’ll also be eager to do the same for you This has become the greatest win-win situation on the planet!

The big mystery is why are not more guys asking this question in bed?   Are we too shy about sex to just figure out whether we are doing it right for the individual we are doing it with? Or is it because we believe that, as men, we are supposed to know just what to do, in bed (as well as everywhere else) and requesting advice might make us look less capable as fans or not as manly somehow — when actually the reverse is true!!

To put it simply… what hu-man would like to maintain preparing the identical dish for someone they love, without checking if they like the taste of it  — leaving open the possibility that she does not really like his cooking very much, but is afraid to say anything because she believes he’s so insecure he could be offended, or does not love her enough to want to seek out — neither of which choices are most likely to carve him a really large place in her heart. So she continues to attempt to eat what he is making because she won’t starve to death.

1 thing sure — this kind of relationship dynamic is destined to become quite unhealthy or codependent or is doomed to die.   Quite soon.   It is hardly a situation that will produce mutual joy and happiness. Yet from what I am being told that is exactly what too many couples’ love lives are like. Together with the result that both spouses lose out.

The situation may be so readily and radically improved by the magical question. Why is it that, tragically, so many guys seem unwilling or not able to take that simple step. Is it because of the ghost that haunts a lot people the fear of not being’man enough’ in bed? A fear that no girl I’ve ever met seems to understand or care much about, but which we guys can believe determines whether she is going to be attracted to us, or — if we do not have enough’man-stuff’ – — will want to denigrate and disdain, or even worse try to restrain, us.

I went through a stage as I got older and my erections were becoming less reliable, of needing to’ do the business’ with my girlfriend quickly, so I could reassure myself that I was’a man’, — out of an inherent fear that if I did not strike while the metaphorical iron was hot I’d lose that revered hardness and be ashamed of my’failure’ —

But in fact, all this did was make me look greedy and fearful in her eyes, and decreased the pleasure which I found could be there once, with her encouragement I stopped trying to get someplace or establish something with our lovemaking, and allowed myself to truly surrender to the fabulous sensations that were naturally occurring for both of us, and be deeply connected to my own feelings and to her.

As a side note, I noticed that the less I cared if I was vertical or not, the harder I looked to get! Still another win-win! It really did look true in my case there was nothing to fear except fear itself.

If you have ever experienced it, you will be aware that there are few things sexier than making love with a woman who’s completely welcoming and prepared for you, who surrenders voluntarily in the confident knowledge that you understand how to make her feel great, and care enough about her to do precisely that. Who feels that magic blend of excitement and safety with you, and who wants to be certain that you’re enjoying yourself as much as she is.

This is the consequence that asking and acting on the magical question is certain to bring.

Try it — you will (both) enjoy it. Guaranteed!

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