Safeguard Your Dating From the Apocalypse

John and Julie Gottman are well understood in regards to relationships.

If you observe some of the Gottman’s work, you will probably know of the four horsemen. These are the four patterns or habits, that when they gain a foothold between two individuals, can take down even the strongest relationships.

They’re criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and it is not tough to see why. Each one drives a wedge between couples and may cause enough damage over time, to be a true love breaker.

But without going into a description of every one here (you can Google that for yourself), I want to nominate 4 alternative practices, that when done consistently, can defeat the four horsemen, and maintain your relationships free from the drawbacks of this fiery 4.

They are the four agreements.

These arrangements come from Don Miguel Ruiz. They’re based on ancient Toltec wisdom and are a strong code of conduct for profound liberty, happiness, and love.

The Four Agreements are:

  1. Be impeccable with your word
  2. Do not take anything personally
  3. Do not make assumptions
  4. Always do your best

Combat complaint with talking kind words

It’s not tough to be kind, is it? Is it easier to be critical or easier to be kind?

Do not get this mixed up with being honest or needing to raise a subject which may be touchy. However, before you launch into a full-scale assault or tirade about something your spouse is performing this really gets under your skin, temper it with a little kindness. Your words will be obtained and you’re far more likely to have a better outcome.

But bear in mind, you are not being kind to find something you need or change someone else. Be kind since it’s simply a better way to be.

When you’re focused on doing and giving your best in a relationship, and focused on the finest in another person, it is tough to fall into contempt.

Doing your best way that you’re giving your best, and when you do that, it is unlikely you are being contemptuous. Contempt is another step down from criticism. It’s when you begin to get nasty. So is nasty your best? If not, then seriously think about wiping it from your schedule.

When you give your best and are in the best, you always attract the finest in others. I am not talking about’best behavior’, I am talking about bringing the deep, authentic, quality of’best’ in you, to the surface.

Combat defensiveness without taking things personally

How easy can it be to take things personally? OMG! I have done it so many times. When I do, I almost always get defensive. And when that occurs, there ai not gonna no pleasure.

If I take a phrase or a comment or just a look, the wrong way, I could find myself on the wrong side of my ego.

If your ego gets involved, you know there is trouble brewing. Your ego is the enemy of not doing things. “How can he say that”,”does she not see all the things I do around here”,”why am I being taken for granted”.

This isn’t to say that some of those things are not happening, but your response to them is the killer.

Allow words be words, such as the noise of cars driving past. They come and they go. Try not to move onto them.

Combat stonewalling without making assumptions

When you stonewall, you turn off. You have made an assumption about what’s happening with another individual, and you’re having none of it.

Fair enough, if somebody else is treating you poorly. You don’t have to stand in the face of asshole behavior. However, if your reply is tainted with some type of payback, then consider that you may be stonewalling.

As the old expression goes, to”assume makes an ass out of U and Me”. We do not always know or understand what’s happening for somebody else. So try not to second guess, or assume you know, because without knowing for certain, you are always going to be making some amount of assumption.

Between two individuals you have 4 hands. May every hand stand for a single agreement. And as Biggie Smalls says:”If you do not know, well now you know”.

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