1 Question Struggling Couples Never Ask Themselves

Several houses, a ship, a wholesome family. But in his union, that wasn’t the case. He was with his wife for 17 years. He struggled to speak to her. And he took it to heart.

“How is it I am so powerful at work, I am so in my zone, at my best? But at home, I feel like a fumbling idiot?”

Sandra had a similar issue. Except she had been on the other side of this work-home spectrum. A stay at home mother, she loved her home life. She was raising two children she felt deeply connected to. And then there was her union.

“I believe I am invisible to him.”

Jason. His main flaw in his wife’s eyes, she told himwas that he had been nearer to their children than to her. While he appreciated how hard she worked, and how she encouraged their loved ones, he felt like he could nothing right with her.

“At work, she is a powerhouse. At home, she has nothing left in the tank. She gets irritated when I ask her out on a date. We have not had sex in two decades.”

A lengthy period of unfreedom must proceed a period of liberty.

Nietzsche

Wow. Is not it true?

Unfreedom. Consider It. It is a powerful word. And it describes the condition many couples find themselves.

Why is it so damn common?
How can we lose one another from the day to day?
How can we lose ourselves?

I lived it for decades.
I understand it.

My mission in life is to change it. And still, the unfreedom is a gift. A gift to the emerging period of liberty. A present for the thickness of hunger it generates for liberty. The freedom to love openly, to connect openly, to see one another openly.

There is a way to get there. It is inside of a question that I asked Mike, Sandra, and Jason. It is a question struggling couples do not ask themselves. And it offers a road map to the relational freedom, connection, and love all couples hunt. And it is simply this…

How can you withhold from your spouse?

Consider it for a moment, in your present relationship, or by a prior one. Pause for a minute and ask yourself…

How do (or did) I never show up?
What do I not speak?
Where do I accept the status quo?
Where do I never ask for what I need, and instead merely complain?

This is the start. This is the beginning. From here, you’ve got the keys to the kingdom — to cultivate an energized and satisfying relationship. Now you need to ask yourself…

Do you need to measure in further?
Or simply hold the keys
?
What is the charge not to stepping in?

Pause. Answer these questions.

At the end of the day, when it is our turn to die, we ask ourselves…

Can I give my best to those I loved?

At death, we approach our anxieties. We’ve got nothing to lose. We visit scariest place within — itself, between me and me.

Summon that courage now as you’re alive. Own that distance between you and you. In my experience, that makes all of the difference.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

Where would you subtract from your spouse?

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Previously Released on stuartmotola.com

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She Wants to Talk, Do You Want to Listen?


Hell no. Hell yeah. You better listen.

We are going to get there but, what happens inside of you when she states,”I want to talk”?

For many men, it is, Uh, oh, I am in trouble, again?

How’s this possible? You never get it right? I often wondered during two decades of marriage.

Whether you listen or not, the conversation is coming. So she sticks to it.

You are not emotionally present.
You are not on her staff.
You are not around enough.
Whatever you need is sex.

Everything gets mixed into the girl bitching tape in mind. And you begin drifting.

And now, she is even more frustrated because she sees you are gone. “Are you even listening?” Then you wonder, Jeez, can not you see I am trying?

  • Why does this cycle perform so often for us as guys?
  • Why does she {} talk?

First, would you like to do anything differently? Do you love this girl? Or are you simply paying dues not to be alone in life?

Know this; it is called your”buy-in element. ” It is where you get to anchor to what she means to you. Nobody forces you to maintain relationship. Own it.

Second, notice your response. In the moment she asks you to speak, ask yourself, How am I doing? Can I jacked up? Can I really listen at this time? Can I have the bandwidth?

Perhaps you just came home from work and you are exhausted. Or you are just caught off guard.

“Babe, I wish to hear what you need to say. Can we speak in a half hour?” Or perhaps you suggest tomorrow.

Know this also; you can not be there for her if you are not there for yourself. This is known as your autonomy. You’re a different being from her. Honor your freedom with self-care; it serves her also. And you have now modeled it for her too.

Third, is she prepared to honor your freedom?

“Sure, tomorrow could be fine.” Or does she just whine? “No! I want to talk now! You never make time for me!”

Know which woman you’re with. It’ll change your life.

So, let’s say you took some time. You showered, cleared your mind. A half hour has passed. You’re prepared to listen actively — not considering solutions or ways to fix her.

You this…

Very quickly, it happens again. Anxiety rises. You feel suffocated. The exact same old script runs in you, I can not do so — screwed again. However, this time, you notice it. And instead, you turn out your very best weapon yet.

And as you have read this (or something like it), you know that it’s not her who is the issue. Someone else gets you triggered. Can you guess who?

… drumroll please… no peaking… Can you summit?

…it is… the little boy in you. The boy you once were. The boy who did not get enough attention when you were a child. The boy who feels like he is being trampled on by her.

He is freaking out because he worries you are going to abandon him again. You’ll have a look at from keeping him safe, all caught up in her and her problems.

He feels completely sidelined by her because she has so many needs (so he believes ). And he freaks out. It is no wonder that she feels like she is in the room with just a small boy and not a man.

The freak out, the anxiety, it is all inside of you, it is the boy.

Zen priest state, the best hell is the hell inside of you. Okay, I am no Zen priest, but you get the point.

Yes, it sounds crazy but it works; it’s again and again with my customers and myself for decades.

And the conversation is as straightforward as this:”Hey little man, you are okay. We’re okay. She is freaking out, not us. We are fine.”

And yes, while she is talking, you are having this conversation with your little boy. However, it’s in service to you and her — to get back in the room with her.

Unexpectedly, space opens inside you. The little boy does not feel hijacked and you are available to listen. The guy is back.

At 10 minutes into her speaking (set a timer if need be), you request a breather, so that you can reflect back what she said for you. You want to be certain you got it right. After all, your objective is to listen to her.

She pauses for a moment, taken from her play and neurosis. And she realizes there is not. She feels heard. She relaxes on your manly awesomeness.

And it dawns on you, Holy shit, this was a test. A sincere genuine evaluation. She was really wondering, Is my husband (partner) in my team?

She’s happy. You didn’t fail her. You’re a rock star.

And, of course that isn’t your goal, but you may find a little loving afterwards– the very best in months or even years.

Rock on.

So remember BAT. Simple enough.

Buy in.
Autonomy.

Know of another man (or woman) who could benefit from this?

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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The Stoic or Sensitive Guy: Which One Are You?


Are you the man who feels nothing or feels everything? You have been inside of you your whole life.

So which is it? Stoic? Or Sensitive? Both have their benefits and costs — from the obvious to the not so apparent.

The stoic man has a wall around his heart.
The sensitive man is wall-less.

The stoic man lets nobody in.
The sensitive man lets everyone in.

The stoic male explodes.
The sensitive one implodes.

The stoic man is numb.
The sensitive man is overwhelmed.

The handsome guy secure protects himself from his partner’s feelings.
The sensitive one is crushed by her feelings.

The stoic man overlooks a rich feeling-life.
The sensitive one bathes in wealthy feelings.

The stoic guy gets things done.
The sensitive man worries about getting things done.

The stoic man does not see her.
The sensitive man feels responsible for her.

The sensitive one internalizes.

The stoic man would benefit from becoming more sensitive.
The sensitive guy from becoming more stoic.

Which man are you?
Which does your girl ask you to be?
Which do you will need to become more of?
Feeling stumped? You are not alone. Get help today.

Know a man who might benefit from reading this? Share with him now.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

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If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.

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Photo credit: Istockphoto.com

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

Larger or Smaller — The Way You Feel With Her

Are you the man who feels horrible when your spouse says –“you are not open”?


Are you the man who feels horrible when your spouse says –“you are not open” or”you are so checked out”?

You consider how it is possible to show up better. The fantastic news is that you care.

The good thing is you might forget to check at her, also. Until you do, you can not really understand what your job is.

Consider both women below. Which is she?

1 woman has room for all of you.
The other girl has space for small.

1 woman makes it possible to notice when you are not at your best.
The other girl always cares about it.

1 woman sees your presents and shortages.
Another only sees herself.

One compels you to be your real you.
The other compels you to be exactly what she would like you to be.

One energizes you.
The other depletes you.

Another berates you for not taking care of her.

One has a heart resonance that lights you up.
The other believes you have to light her up.

One sees endless opportunities on your love.
Another sees only the shortages.

One sees conflict as purposeful engagement.
The other sees it as your own fault.

One has energy for you.
The other doesn’t.

One makes your world feel larger.

And another…. You guessed it… smaller.

Which girl are you with? Which girl do you seek?

Do you know of another man who may benefit from reading this? Please share with him now.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project?

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A whole list of advantages is here.

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How Can She Love You Once You Hate Yourself


“I know, I know, I am supposed to love myself,” a customer says to me. “Find more self respecting and self-trust. But in fact, I just want more than anything to discover deep connection with a spouse.

I hear this from a number of my male customers.

Felix pauses. He looks me over.

When he actually says this, I respond,”Why do you feel you are supposed to love yourself?”

I understand it, in my gut, from years of connections. Her love can not compensate for the love I do not have for myself.”

Knowledge without mastery is similar to a key with no door.

“I mean in the beginning, it is great and all. I feel completely filled with her. And as time passes… anyhow, you know the story… the same old me creeps back in. The person who’s discontent, discovering flaws in her, frustrated that she begins taking me for granted, not seeing me how she did, etcetera, etcetera. I’m hooked on the first part of things, you know, the rush, and then… it is always the same.”

“So you ache for something you have never been able to achieve,” I say.

“Fuck Yes!”

The second is thick with tragic irony. He laughs. I laugh. To get a splinter of time, it is not so heart-numbingly excruciating. Laughter gives him space.

“Imagine if you took the fire and energy of the’Fuck Yes!’ And brought it back to yourself”

He ponders this. I give him an opportunity to sink deeper into the question. I sense he knows the way to do it bring back the energy to himself.

He shuts his eyes. A minute passes, then another. He speaks.

“I have been checking out from myself for many years for a fantasy I don’t even think in. The fantasy of The One. I do it because I am lazy. I don’t wish to do the job to love myself. Why should I? I do not even know if I enjoy myself.”

BAM! I let the gravity of the final statement land. Can he remain in self-pity or move himself forward? A couple of minutes pass. He’s frozen.

“So you do not know if you enjoy yourself,” I say.

He does not respond. It would be easy to ask why and get all the details of his self-loathing, but for now, I am more interested in the effect of it.

“You know as well as I do, that in case you don’t enjoy yourself…”

“I know. I understand… how is someone else supposed to like or love me?” He becomes angry, short tempered.

“God damn it”

He starts breathing deeply, sighing, emitting sounds of distress. He is working himself hard.

After some time, I say,”Can you find the internal war going on in you?”

He looks up, eyes glassy, face flushed.

“Felix, you understand the failings of connection as you have pursued it previously. You know that nobody can love you enough to compensate for you not enjoying yourself. You said it. Not me. And yet, you reside in a reality where you always tell yourself that you should enjoy yourself when in actuality, you…”

He completes the sentence before I could.

With this understanding comes a peace, a reprieve, the reality. I see relief on his face. He is no more hiding behind the false mandate of how he should love himself.

Felix’s problem isn’t about self-love. It is about pulling the plug on the inner war inside of him. It is about accepting his self-loathing and moving forward from that point. Asking himself Is this how I need to live my life?

While, for sure, there would be deeper work to comprehend where his loathing came out, for today it is about seeing clearly the playing area of his inner system and working from there.

The unwinding of self-loathing is a far deeper practice than loving one’s self.

Will he do the job?

Find a guide, mentor, coach or therapist who can help you cut through your blind spots. The price is too good to wait.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

◊♦◊

Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

A whole list of advantages is here.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

“There is this thing,” a customer says to me.Mark looks up into the skies as if he will get the word there. “It is happening with me and Felicia. I’m not certain what to call it. It is… a lining up of sorts. Love… and something else…” He looks up again.”It’s like she knows what I am thinking. Not like seeing in my mind or anything creepy like that.”Much like when I say something… and then she reacts… it is like we talk the same language. However, it’s different, you know. She’s her feminine wise-woman method of saying things.”And it expands me. The relationship I feel in these moments. It is like part of me lives in her. The tone of her voice. How she speaks.”Another day, we drove on the street… Well, I had been driving, going 75, and there was a bend on the road. We had a drink or two before.”And I asked her, after we came out of the bend when she felt nervous at all with me driving as I was. You know what she said?”I shake my head.”She blew me off. She said,’I hope that you love yourself enough not to put me at risk. ”’He goes quiet, a grin emerging on his face.”Is not that cool?” he says.I nod.”It is things like that. I feel larger in her presence. We’ve got this… again the term escapes me.” The skies fail him.”Congruence,” I say.”Yes,” he says.Congruence, it is a word many people learned in 7th grade geometry. Two figures or items of the identical shape and size, like the mirror image of the other.The mirror image of another .  It is what people, my customers included, say they’re seeking in relationship.”If only I could find somebody who likes Dave Matthews, Black Eyed Peas, appreciates fine dining…””If only I could find someone like me.”In both, the sentiment is the same.   Be more like me, so I can love you. Neither is congruence. The first is a wish list. The next is narcissism.Congruence is frequently mistaken for conformity, allegiance, and yes, even obedience. We envision that if someone would only change or appear in the perfect configuration, we would have the perfect mate.Congruence is significantly bigger and expansive.  Think communication, stability, connection, compatibility, Eros, rapport, and the capability to repair after battle .All are key to getting an energized and fulfilling venture. So then, how can congruence occur in relationship?First, each individual begins cultivating congruence within themselves.  To start to live in integrity with their values, beliefs, desires, desires, and life vision.A congruent person does not spend years in a relationship or marriage, trusting their spouse will conform to their needs.A congruent individual would sooner risk losing their spouse than demanding they become someone they aren’t.“I love you so much that I want you to be you, authentically one hundred percent, even if this means losing you.” This is Mark and Felicia’s backstory.  Two people in their early twenties, who have lived through plenty of relationship experience.And in the years since their marriages ended, they worked hard on themselves to avoid repeating prior relational patterns.They know the easy rule — To nurture congruence in connection, you must first start to cultivate it on your own. Whether you are in a twenty-year-old union or in no connection whatsoever, you can focus on cultivating congruence on your own or your relationship today. Am I clear in who I am — my values, desires, beliefs, life vision? What are my absolute yes?   My non-negotiable no’s? Am I mature enough to convey them to my partner in a loving manner? To  navigate dating as a romantic adult partnership and not only a listing of childish demands? “Hmmm…” Mark says to me in our next session. “Yeah, it’s like we just line up perfect. We have both lived a lot. As when we lived it all, to be together today.”–Originally Published on stuartmotola.comShutterstock

“I love you so much that I want you to be you, authentically one hundred percent, even if this means losing you.”

The article I Trust You to Keep Me Safe appeared on The Great Men Project.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

Creating Distance to Create Wish


He had a gorgeous night with his spouse. It was difficult to leave her side.

That morning, on the job, the urge to call her was strong. To text, to stay connected. He felt her touch, odor, and feeling.

And it felt… really great. The bliss of connection was with him.

He wanted to share just how delicious it felt. A fast text. Perhaps even take the day off from work and maintain the spell going.

Instead, he did something else. He did not contact her, hoping she would reply immediately. He came back to himself.

He took the delicious energy that he felt with her and circulated it. Inhaled it in his heart and chest cavity, like opening a love river.

Wow! He did not know it was possible to enjoy loving like that.

And Lucy, a coworker, her arm resting on the lip of his cubicle wall, hovering above him, suddenly said,”What are you doing?”

He opened his eyes, pulled from his spell. He felt embarrassed. He detected an impulse toward defensiveness but then he relaxed.

And picked the spell again.

“Oh, just loving myself” He smiled.

She shook her head, murmured “weirdo” and walked on.

His grin grew bigger. He chuckled inside. And closed his eyes, to swim in the yummy river again.

The expansion of relationship from the night before swirled in him. And he was stunned he could do this.

He felt love climbing within himself, co-created with his spouse but savored in himself.

No need to call or text, seeking affirmation. Rather, he relished the notion of connecting with her afterwards.

Knowing that he had been the source of love and she was the stream, a tributary of the love flowing back into himself.

Containment — a highly effective practice in relationship. That’s what he’d done, not even being aware of it.

He held distance from her, allowing the desire for link to grow again. He didn’t cling or seek her to finish him.

How can we attach in connection? Does it serve us? And yet it sounds so natural. Consider otherwise.

Make the call? Sure, but first comprise.

Dating Warrior, you have this!

Inspired by a true story from an anonymous customer.

A version of the post was previously published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

◊♦◊

Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.”


Photo credit: Istockphoto.com

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here