She Wants to Talk, Do You Want to Listen?

Hell no. Hell yeah. You better listen.

We are going to get there but, what happens inside of you when she states,”I want to talk”?

For many men, it is, Uh, oh, I am in trouble, again?

How’s this possible? You never get it right? I often wondered during two decades of marriage.

Whether you listen or not, the conversation is coming. So she sticks to it.

You are not emotionally present.
You are not on her staff.
You are not around enough.
Whatever you need is sex.

Everything gets mixed into the girl bitching tape in mind. And you begin drifting.

And now, she is even more frustrated because she sees you are gone. “Are you even listening?” Then you wonder, Jeez, can not you see I am trying?

  • Why does this cycle perform so often for us as guys?
  • Why does she {} talk?

First, would you like to do anything differently? Do you love this girl? Or are you simply paying dues not to be alone in life?

Know this; it is called your”buy-in element. ” It is where you get to anchor to what she means to you. Nobody forces you to maintain relationship. Own it.

Second, notice your response. In the moment she asks you to speak, ask yourself, How am I doing? Can I jacked up? Can I really listen at this time? Can I have the bandwidth?

Perhaps you just came home from work and you are exhausted. Or you are just caught off guard.

“Babe, I wish to hear what you need to say. Can we speak in a half hour?” Or perhaps you suggest tomorrow.

Know this also; you can not be there for her if you are not there for yourself. This is known as your autonomy. You’re a different being from her. Honor your freedom with self-care; it serves her also. And you have now modeled it for her too.

Third, is she prepared to honor your freedom?

“Sure, tomorrow could be fine.” Or does she just whine? “No! I want to talk now! You never make time for me!”

Know which woman you’re with. It’ll change your life.

So, let’s say you took some time. You showered, cleared your mind. A half hour has passed. You’re prepared to listen actively — not considering solutions or ways to fix her.

You this…

Very quickly, it happens again. Anxiety rises. You feel suffocated. The exact same old script runs in you, I can not do so — screwed again. However, this time, you notice it. And instead, you turn out your very best weapon yet.

And as you have read this (or something like it), you know that it’s not her who is the issue. Someone else gets you triggered. Can you guess who?

… drumroll please… no peaking… Can you summit?

…it is… the little boy in you. The boy you once were. The boy who did not get enough attention when you were a child. The boy who feels like he is being trampled on by her.

He is freaking out because he worries you are going to abandon him again. You’ll have a look at from keeping him safe, all caught up in her and her problems.

He feels completely sidelined by her because she has so many needs (so he believes ). And he freaks out. It is no wonder that she feels like she is in the room with just a small boy and not a man.

The freak out, the anxiety, it is all inside of you, it is the boy.

Zen priest state, the best hell is the hell inside of you. Okay, I am no Zen priest, but you get the point.

Yes, it sounds crazy but it works; it’s again and again with my customers and myself for decades.

And the conversation is as straightforward as this:”Hey little man, you are okay. We’re okay. She is freaking out, not us. We are fine.”

And yes, while she is talking, you are having this conversation with your little boy. However, it’s in service to you and her — to get back in the room with her.

Unexpectedly, space opens inside you. The little boy does not feel hijacked and you are available to listen. The guy is back.

At 10 minutes into her speaking (set a timer if need be), you request a breather, so that you can reflect back what she said for you. You want to be certain you got it right. After all, your objective is to listen to her.

She pauses for a moment, taken from her play and neurosis. And she realizes there is not. She feels heard. She relaxes on your manly awesomeness.

And it dawns on you, Holy shit, this was a test. A sincere genuine evaluation. She was really wondering, Is my husband (partner) in my team?

She’s happy. You didn’t fail her. You’re a rock star.

And, of course that isn’t your goal, but you may find a little loving afterwards– the very best in months or even years.

Rock on.

So remember BAT. Simple enough.

Buy in.

Know of another man (or woman) who could benefit from this?

This post was formerly published on and is republished here with permission from the author.


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