Men, Tears, and Strength

Something opens in him. He can not hold in his pain. His heart hurts. His wife has left him. Or he’s left her. In any event, he grieves.

Men cry. I see this frequently in my job.  Contrary to common belief, they are powerful guys. Strong enough to…

Trust others to assist them.
Visit the scary places inside.

These aren’t men who crumble into a whole mess and can not pick up themselves for months or years later. That is a Hollywood cliché, designed frequently for entertainment purposes, not reality.

The reality is a man who cracks open out of his anger, through his rage, and to his tears, to resurface with a brightness, simplicity, and strength — a light that was not there before.  This man has a courage that’s frequently not viewed in the public eye.

This man gets it when I say to him –“Feel the hurt.

And it’s here, stripped from his armor, a man answers the call of his heart, of what the world hungers for from men — their complete loving hearts.

Strong AND loving.
Consistent AND flexible.

Stripped of self love, bare of machismo, at his {} ground zero, a man starts the job of rebuilding himself.  Here he frees himself of prior resentments, judgements, and arrogance, so as to be relational and romantic with his spouse, his loved ones, and the world. Giving weight, bringing into balance, his relational character with his transactional character.

It begins with his tears.

Until then, until he gets to the source of his own pain, he hobbles around, emotionally crippled, half a human being, including a time bomb inside. That is… until he can not contain it anymore.

In his splitting open, a man may go to where…

He fears most.
He had been programmed NOT to go.
He faces his fears of”being weak, a sissy, or a wimp.”

In the passing of his previous programming, he might be born to a different way of being a guy. He might understand his tenderness is an untapped strength. And he might reevaluate his tears frequently to tap the well.

He has to feel his harm so as to develop strength and compassion, to maintain the hurt of his spouse .

And only then can he be completely trustworthy to her. Only then can he be the guy she dreams of. Only then can he…

Stand in the fire.
Stay calm when she cannot.
Hold her when she’s struggling.

And it’s here, a question that girls frequently ask me gets answered.

“How come my guy is so closed down?”

I often say, he was raised to be that way for a boy. He was educated feeling…

Stress makes him a”wimp.”
Joy makes him “gay.”

He had been raised in”The Man Box.” * A limited container, limiting him to a restricted assortment of emotions.  It began at age five or even sooner — at school on the playground or at home with his dad or brother.

“Be a man.”

“Do not cry.” **

The Man Box dilutes his gifts as an adult man. Compromises his accessibility to empathy, patience, love, kindness, existence, and a selection of emotions.  From The Person Box, he resides in a black and white world, his liberty to live as an enlivened, lively man badly handicapped.

To escape The Man Box, he should fight… till his death, until his old means of masculinity dies.  And he can reclaim his psychological life.

But he will not go there until it is clear his present life is obviously no longer functioning. Until crisis hits. Until he loses things and family members. Until he pops his tears.

What he needs to realize is this.

“Only boys keep their lips dry.
Only boys are scared to cry.
-Rain, Vachel Lindsay

Tears are a present.

Tears are peacemakers.

Tears bring peace to a person’s oppressed heart.
Tears raise his rate of survival.
Tears strengthen his bond to other people.

Tears of the heart include the compound leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and improves mood. ***

Tears don’t rob a man of his masculinity. In actuality, they enhance his masculinity.  By heartbreak, he learns his healthful powers of assertion, supplanting old patterns of violent aggression.

Tears don’t make a man a woman. They make him an emotionally richer and more empathic man. A man to whom the world can relate.  A guy who can fight for what is right in the world, rather than just what is ideal for his pocket .

Tears allow a man to maintain strong connection with himself, so as to maintain strong relationship with his spouse, his loved ones, and the entire world. Yes, back to self-relationship for healthy venture.

I’ve shed many tears. Over the last five decades, particularly. Enduring and fighting older selves that had to die. Ritualizing grief in passing. Crying tears for life.

The death of a marriage.
The passing of a career.
The near death (amputation) of a leg.
The passing of a Nation.

Gently washed off the muck in my soul, begging to be cleansed.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com

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