The Four Stages of Desire: From Everything to a Thing


Posted by Ana Waller

Kabir teaches us the four phases of want that rules our lives.

Bertrand Russell is considered as one of mankind’s most lucid and luminous minds, He’s an oracle of timeless wisdom, talks of the fundamental rationale driving human behavior,

All human activity is prompted by desire. There’s a wholly fallacious theory advanced by some earnest moralists to the effect {} likely to resist desire in the interests of obligation and moral principle. I state this is fallacious, not since no guy ever acts from a sense of obligation, but since obligation has no hold on him unless he desires to be dutiful. If you would like to know what guys will do, you need to understand not only, or mostly, their material conditions, but instead the entire system of their needs with their comparative strengths.

Indeed, there are barely any means by which you are able to contradict the words of Russell. All of us work and are motivated by desires in a lot of ways. A number of them work so subtly we’re unaware of them. Human beings differ from other animals in the aspect that there’s an ever-flowing river of desire in us, never drying us of existence.

There are a lot of forms of want working together to push us through life: Physical desire is hunger and thirst; intellectual want is curiosity, the need to acquire knowledge; sexual desire is bliss and financial desire is the demand for power and ownership of materials. The overall cultural and economic structure of society is based on our needs.

Russell continues to state,

But man differs from other animals in one very important respect, which is that he’s some desires that are, so to speak, boundless, which could not be fully gratified, and which would keep him restless even in Paradise. The boa constrictor, when he’s had a decent meal, goes to sleep, and doesn’t wake until he desires another meal. Human beings, for the most part, aren’t like this. When the Arabs, who was accustomed to living sparingly on a couple of dates, obtained the wealth of the Eastern Roman Empire, and lived in palaces of nearly unbelievable luxury, they didn’t, on that account, become inactive. Hunger could no more be a motive, for Greek slaves provided them with exquisite viands in the slightest nod. However, other desires kept them busy: four in particular, which we could label acquisitiveness, competition, vanity, and love of power.

The Indian mystic, Kabir Saheb, a poet, and philosopher, argued that appetite constitutes the genuine wealth of humanity. Among the top 20th-century Indian interpreters of Kabir’s teachings was a religious teacher and writer named Eknath Easwaran, who explains how Kabir seen the desire to have four phases of evaluation.

Most people human beings are born with Many desires
True, that it’s the will or desire to acquire something that pushes us to take another step in life.

With no defined desire, we become clueless and drop track of our own life. We set a goal and work towards achieving it and that’s the way our life rolls on. But when we have a lot of desires, we could follow none of them with conviction and dedication.

The majority of these concern the superficial aspects of life, such as outside appearance, material possessions, power, position, fame, reputation, and cash. Individuals who have the most desires, Kabir believes, are the weakest of all.

These folks are a complete failure. They wind up achieving nothing in any areas of life.

Kabir goes on to state, you can find other people who are born with a few desires:

These are the ones that succeed in life. They make judicial decisions of goals and {} to successfully achieve them. Regardless of what field of endeavor they choose, they wind up attaining what they need to since they have a numbered desires to operate on.

And the most lucky ones are born with a few desires:

Out of them come the geniuses of all time like a few of the great thinkers of all time, who left a substantial mark on this world, Mother Teresa, Marie Curie, Albert Einstein, some terrific musicians, poets, humanitarians, and political leaders.

Our life is a gift to not add on to the list of our wants, instead reduce them to a profoundly impactful desire. Individuals who have one desire, that’s the greatest look for truth, are the mystics, spiritually actualized people. These individuals have risen over the ensnaring desires of the earthly dimension and have attained the zenith of religious freedom. They utilize the imperial power of meditation to reach a condition of salvation.

Kabir says you can use meditation as a tool to decrease the amount of desires a individual has from many to a, from some to couple and from a few to you personally.

Kabir also explains the relation between the amount of desires and the psychological and spiritual prosperity of somebody.
Individuals who have many desires, have to experience emotional turmoils in life. They get mad easily; they calm down fast. One benefit of having superficial emotions which don’t run deep is that no pain can last long for all these folks. On the flip side, their satisfactions are neither significant nor enduring.

Individuals with few desires are driven by passion.

Whatever area of lifestyle they devote themselves to, they have a huge enthusiasm for persevering and for achievement. Driven by a longing that’s spread across just a few needs, passionate individuals often achieve great things.

The last step, based on Kabir, to allow the genuine emotion prosper, an individual has to instill undying passion–a personal ambition, the pursuit of pleasure, the demand for prestige, the demand for standing, the preoccupation with material possessions–amalgamates into one searing passion. Kabir calls for this singular passion devotion. From the mystical tradition, supreme devotion and dedication contribute to the discovery of authentic self.

When one moves from a number of desires to your desires and out of some desires to a couple desires and if these few desires boil down to passion and dedication — we come to understand who we are and what we’re seeking.

How can one achieve this dedication?

Both crucial weapons to accomplish devotion are — hardship and meditation. When one has to experience extreme difficulties in life, a person doesn’t have the luxury to concentrate on a lot of desires. The sole desire in this state of distress is survival — the most fundamental requirement of every living being.

Meditation helps us reach a legitimate state of religious reclamation as we slowly but surely discover our life’s sense of purpose.

Individuals who have experienced extreme hardship–soldiers in battle, women living under oppressive regimes, prisoners of conscience, slaves, victims of torture–all report more or less the exact same thing about the effects of suffering. When our life is jeopardized, it’s purpose becomes crystal clear. The many needs of life are burnt down by the fire of hardship; what remains is the 1 thing that both needs and deserves complete dedication.

Whether through meditation or through hardship, we start our journey towards self-revelation with a very easy question to ourselves:

What do we need?

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Here are the top 11 things to give up, to get exactly what you desire from your union. Marriage is a catchy cake to bake. But as soon as you have all the appropriate ingredients in the ideal amount, you can have one healthy and joyous married life. For once, it is safe to say, happy marriage isn’t a myth. The majority of us forget that to achieve something we will need to give up on certain things.And astonishingly’these things’ you will need to give up aren’t helpful to any person in any relationship, be it marriage or otherwise. Some of these are likely to be things that can allow you to improve yourself as an individual.For a union to flourish, its necessary for both the partners to work on their own issues and make a joint contribution to the union to blossom. After these toxic elements of a relationship is eliminated, your union life will be smoother, saving it from culminating to a divorce.Here are 11 things to give up, to get more out of your union:1. Marriage ought to be like an empty canvas where both of the spouses put in colors to create a new masterpiece — allow the union grow into what it’s supposed to be. Unrealistic expectations have high odds of suffocating a relationship since most of these are unachievable and based on absurd ideas about another person. It’s essential that a union is based on expectations that are possible for another person to meet without needing to compromise too much in their own parts. When the expectations get unattainable, both the spouses don’t stand up to themselves that lead to additional up resentment and bitterness from the union.2. Give up controlling every otherWhen two energetic individuals interact in a connection, it’s inevitable for them to have clashing views and value system. If you always stick with your {} , principles and values rigorously disregarding another person’s opinions, you’re simply being poisonous in the union. All you will need to do is be certain that you don’t restrain your partner just because they’re having a character distinct from you. Control kills love and makes a hostile family environment.3. No matter how long you’re married to one another, your partner isn’t your property. You will need to let your partner breath freedom. Give him/her the room to grow. As soon as you’ve a strong foundation of confidence, you’ll be easily able to free yourself from needing to possess your spouse. Possessiveness is only going to make it harder for your spouse to be his/her authentic self.4. Stop criticisingGive up on the toxic habit of criticizing your spouse for many of his inabilities and adversities and begin appreciating every little effort on his/her role. Be vigilant of every little effort your spouse puts in the connection and remember to compliment him/her for pulling off something that may even seem insignificant.A few sweet words for your partner can take you a long way from the journey you began together.5. Give up the need to Repair your partnerRather than savoring, adoring and praising one another, nurturing the present connection, we waste our valuable time and energy seeking perfection, in ourselves and in our partners. Every human beings possess his/her vices that make them who they are. As their abilities, their adversities also make them look more humane. A relationship isn’t about’fixing’ or’mending’ those defects on your partner. Rather, your job is to take each other the way you are and make a few alterations here and there.A true bond isn’t about how perfect you are about how perfectly you manage each others imperfection. ~ Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years6. Give up your jealous behaviour A capable and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. The main cause of jealousy is insecurity. Neither of those spouses will feel jealous if they work on their unique insecurities. A connection based on emotional intimacy, transparency and understanding won’t bread jealousy as two people in such a connection consider themselves a team instead of two distinct individuals competing with one another.7. Give up blaming each otherMost of what occurs to us is in our own hands, however much we want to bypass this actuality. It’s a lot easier to project your errors and mistakes on an external variable — your spouse, as it gives you a opportunity to escape accountability. Start taking responsibility for your own activities. The more you’re egoistic about your flaws and project it on to your spouse, the toxic your union gets. You must stop yourself swirling in the course of guilt tripping and blame shifting with your spouse. Then demonstrate it. Be happy, regardless of what they are doing. Practice feeling great, no matter what. And before you know it, you won’t give anyone else responsibility for how you feel-and then, you will love them all. Since the only reason you do not love them, is because you are using them as your excuse to not feel great. — Esther Hicks8. Give up the need to always be appropriate Remember when you and your spouse first started dating? Remember how amazing and how lovingly you talked to one another? Back then, you concentrated more on how this person made you feel and the way you made this individual feel, rather than focusing on whether this person was right or wrong. A relationship isn’t an exam — there is no need to rate each other’s activities and mark them every moment.Common courtesy plays a major part in happy marriages. They do not want to hurt one another’s feelings, and they do not attempt to create another one feel humiliated. Individuals that are married for life are incredibly kind to one another. Frank Pittman9. Give up on being clingySelf-reliance is a really celebrated characteristic in a person, no matter you’re single or not. Marriage of-course means being there for each other, being supportive of one another, emotionally catering to each other and understanding each other. These does not comprised being clingy to one another. There’ll be times when you’ll need to take control over your own self to appeal to yourself. Becoming clingy makes your spouse suffocate on the connection. Take your own control on your own, occasionally, for a change.10. Give up your emotional baggageThe past has no power to prevent you from being present today. What’s grievance? The baggage of old emotion and thought. When you allow your past influence your current, you reduce your odds of making your future a better place to live in. Letting go of your past, gradually, each pain, every negativity at a time, makes it possible to enlarge your future horizons.Our previous experiences, especially the negative ones, hold us back from living in the moment and making the most out of it. Once in a while let go of this fear and embrace change for a positive life tomorrow.11. What we end up confusing is, affection and love. Attachment comes from a place of fear, insecurity and anxiety while love is pure, free of bitterness, kind, and selfless. Love is prepared to detach and let go if the relationship between two people becomes toxic and detrimental to the healthy growth and development of both parties. In the beautiful words of Deepak Chopra,Love allows your loved the liberty to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your wants and desires. Love imposes no requirements. Attachment expresses an overwhelming need — Make me feel complete. Love expands beyond the limits of 2 individuals. Attachment attempts to exclude everything but two individuals.Partners try hard to not allow their union get poisonous but unknowingly they end up killing everything amazing about the bond. Never disdain your instinct. If you feel something is going amiss, something is off, instantly take notice and talk about it out with your spouse. If nothing works out, it’s not required to keep dragging a dead marriage. After all, your psychological health, peace and well being is more important than anything else on the planet.If you’re not satisfied on your own, you can never be happy in any relationship.The actual act of marriage occurs in the center, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. If it’s true that marriages are intended to last for life, why is it that so many folks get divorced? What do you think is the essential ingredient to produce a marriage work? –A version of the post was previously published on Themindsjournal.com and is republished here with permission from the author.◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–Photo credit: Unsplash.com

Surprisingly’these things’ you will need to give up aren’t helpful to any person in any relationship, be it marriage or otherwise.

The article 11 Items to Give Up to Get More From a Marriage appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Should you regret breaking up with your ex and think that the whole relationship was a waste of your life, then there are a whole lot of things moving inside you that you may want to have a close look at. I was speaking to a customer the other week, and he said he regretted a yearlong relationship that had lately come to a conclusion in his life.This is not the first time I’ve heard somebody saying that they wanted they could reverse the fact that a romantic relationship had taken place.If this is a thought that you have had about a particular connection, then this short, dense article will be a small mind fuck for you.Alright, no longer preamble. No foreplay. Here is what’s up.One of two things is going on in the event you want you could take back a connection. 1. Either you are not completed processing your pain, or2. You have not given up the victim mindset, taken responsibility, and gleaned your lessons from the connection yet.Every relationship we engage in… no matter how frustrating, tumultuous, or painful it is… was drawn into our lives to teach us something special.It doesn’t matter if the relationship lasted for a day, or for 100 years. It is all valuable content to your never-ending character development.So if you are in a place where you’re telling yourself you wish you could strike a connection from your psychological records, you {} to process your harm or search for the lessons.Ways To Process The Hurt You Still Carry 1. Set aside an hour to listen to sad songs, look at photographs of you and your ex, locate the harm inside your body, and breathe deeply to it. Give the hurt your entire attention and inform it,’Pain, you’ve got a house here. It is okay that I feel this manner’ 2. Write an angry letter to your ex in which you let it all hang out. Adopt the victim mindset and state each the nastiest shit you can consider. Then, burn the letter. Or split it up into tiny pieces and toss it in the recycling bin. No, you can not send them. Your pain is the pain. 3. Vent all your residual pain, frustration, and ideas to a close, trusted, a non-shaming buddy who will hold space for you. Tell them exactly what you need from them upfront (probably, to not have them provide any hints or guidance, but only to hear you out entirely until you are done), and then purge the words from your mouth. There is a therapeutic advantage to being observed in our truth… even if our truth is temporary and being shared through the lens of our harm. Share your ideas, release any feelings which come up if that happens… and then take a deep breath, then hug your friend, and proceed forward.Approaches to Bring Lessons From A RelationshipStill can not find any small sliver of the possible benefit that might have come from the connection? Totally at a loss for why you had to go through it? 1. Is one annoying aspect of the connection that it was like other relationships you’ve had in the past (possibly in the way in which the connection was day to day, or how it ended)? Then there has to be a lesson that’s attempting to make itself known to you. As Pema Chodron once stated:
“Nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we will need to know.” If you keep finding yourself in exactly the exact same sort of relationship or suffering from a similar kind of the relationship end, then there’s a pattern that’s attempting to emerge on your conscious mind. Then ask yourself, What lesson do I want to incorporate from what this pattern is attempting to show me?
2. In the earlier years of our relationship life, we frequently need to experience a series of partners so as to simply find out more about ourselves what we enjoy, and what we do not like in a romantic partner. Perhaps you dated someone who was extremely like you in a lot of ways and found that this lack of sexual control wore on you. Or maybe you dated someone who was too different from you, along with the absence of overlap was overly challenging. From time to time, the relationships we bring into our lives are only mirroring for us to look into, realize something new about ourselves, and then, armed with our newfound improved self-awareness, we consider that lesson and discover a more highly aligned partner.3. Ultimately, some relationships come into our lives just so we understand to prevent that sort of connection in the future. I say this stage last intentionally since a lazy mind can want to race towards this option when, in fact, they are just bypassing their course and avoiding looking inwards in a fair manner.If someone rushed into a relationship and then broke your heart by leaving suddenly, have a look at your relationship to time, familiarity, and your {} , to see how you could have drawn such a spouse. Or, in the event that you attracted someone who had been exceptionally vain and shallow, and you found yourself being drawn to their charm and put off with it, take a look at your own propensity for superficiality.In all these cases, the master question is,”How am I like this?” . When we honestly look at the overlap that we had with our exwe stop giving our power up and placing the blame on them, and we take responsibility for ourselves and proceed with greater clarity and psychological freedom.JordanA version of the post was
formerly published on Themindsjournal.com and is republished here with permission from the author. ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS. A whole list of advantages is here.–Photo credit: Istockphoto.com

Have a Look inside you.

The article What Regretting a Relationship After a Breakup Actually Means appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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6 Subtle Signs Your Relationship is Over, Even if You Still Care for Them


Posted by Theo Harrison

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

I know it sounds unfair, but so is life. We have all grown up on the concept of ‘happily ever after’. But the more we face reality, the more we realize there is no such thing when it comes to relationships.

You can love someone as much as you want, but there is no guarantee that you will be spending the rest of your life with him or her. Love is a crucial ingredient for a lasting and meaningful relationship. However, we tend to forget that it’s not the only ingredient. And that is perhaps our biggest mistake.

Is Love Blind? Or Do We Just Keep Our Eyes Closed?

Love can blind us so much that we often fail to see the splinters and hairline cracks that crop up slowly…those subtle signs your relationship is over. This is why love can be dangerous. We often choose to ignore the initial signs that not everything is perfect and convince ourselves that it’s all going to be okay.

We just need to try a little bit harder. We just need to love them a little bit more. We just need to compromise a bit more than yesterday. We just need to hide what’s bothering us for a few more days. We just need to ignore the pain a little bit more. Everything will work out just fine. You’ll see. They always do. Or do they?

No. We Don’t Want Our Hearts Broken

We never want to end a relationship where we have willingly invested our emotions and ourselves. That is perhaps the most unsettling part…a reluctance to letting go. So we ignore the signs the best we can. And then comes the red flags, the glaring warning signs where we feel heartbroken at the realization that we failed to make the relationship work. Now it’s all over. And we are all alone..again.

But if you can spot the subtle signs your relationship is over, may be, just may be, you can give your relationship a reboot. These signs will help you analyze what might go wrong down the line by taking a deep look at yourself and taking charge. Understand that it is not about finding faults in your partner or pointing fingers. It is about pulling your socks up and re-positioning yourself to make sure your relationship has a better chance at survival.

So without further ado, here are some subtle signs that your relationship is headed for splitsville.

1. You Don’t Talk Anymore

And by talking, I mean about deep conversations about life, about your beliefs, philosophies and your feelings. You don’t have meaningful long talks about how you feel about each other. Realize that the way you communicate can affect your relationship. Ask yourself, do you guys talk about the basics of life? How the day went. What happened at work. How your boss is an A-hole. How you are planning a couple’s vacation this winter. How excited you are to watch that movie you guys are excited about. Simple daily conversations about each other, friends and family, co-workers. But most of all, conversations about your feelings.

Communication is the very core of a good relationship, including the one with your own self.

Meaningful and deep conversations allow us to know the person our partner has grown, matured and evolved into.

Otherwise you are just stuck with the person they used to be. Enough with Netflix and chill. Now it’s time to start talking about what actually matters.

2. You Don’t Touch Them Like You Used To

No, I am not talking about sex. We often express our love and affection through subtle physical gestures like holding their hand, putting your hand on the small of their back, stroking their hair, hugging them, a simple kiss on the cheeks, caressing their legs, and holding their face softly while you kiss and pulling them closer. These small things can often mean deeper things in a relationship. Every touch you make creates a connection and transfers energy to your partner.

It is normal to not have the same passion of being physically close all the time like you used to when your relationship began. As we get more comfortable with each other, life starts to happen. That’s fine. But if you now feel differently when you touch your partner, then it’s one of the signs your relationship is over.

A loving touch can heal a lot of wounds and nurture a relationship by making us feel loved, safe and warm inside.

You can’t play a guitar without caressing the strings fondly. Can you?

3. You Feel Indifferent

Does your relationship still feel engaging? Have all disagreements completely disappeared? Does your partner’s behavior and actions matter at all? Co-existing without being engaged can be a relationship killer.

When both partners are agreeable & indifferent instead of passionately arguing about things they feel strongly about in the relationship, it’s one of the signs your relationship is over.

Fighting all the time is definitely not a sign of a happy relationship. However, simple arguments helps to develop a deeper bonding among couples. When you are not engaged or present in the relationship, it’s a clear sign that not all is well in your partnership. This is where communication comes in.

A real open honest conversation about how you both feel about this relationship at this current moment. Ask them how they are, what is bothering them, if they want to share something. Instead of jumping to conclusions, have a heart-to-heart discussion showing that you care. Listen to them and understand what they are going through.Things can change faster than you realize. Start talking.

4. You Don’t Look Deep Into Their Eyes Now

Do you still look in to their eyes with love? Do you still experience butterflies in your stomach when your eyes meet? Do you feel that connection when you make eye contact even today? If not, something is wrong my friend. If you avoid eye contact, then either one or both of you are avoiding something. Your partner may not be having an affair, but they are definitely hiding something from you. It can be anger. Frustration. Dissatisfaction. Or simply their feelings for you. No matter what it may be, if you avoid one of the main subtle signs your relationship is over, it may be too late to salvage it. Eventually you will stop looking at each other.

Eye contact is one of the most natural ways to build a connection and look into someone for who they are. It’s a doorway to understanding their true self.

You can connect to your partner’s soul if you truly look into their eyes with all the love in your heart.

When you make that connection, you will know what I mean.

5. You Start Feeling Heavy

Relationships are never easy. There are days you feel like you are the happiest person alive. And then there are days you wonder why you are even alive.

One day loving someone can feel effortless, while the very next day it can feel overwhelming.

That’s normal. But when you start feeling the heaviness coming from inside, you know it’s sign that needs your attention.

There are various factors like work pressure, bills, family and situations that can make us feel heavy. Life can be like that sometimes. But if your heaviness stems from feelings of anxiety, anger, discomfort, resentment, doubt and uncertainty, then you need to look into it. These feelings will keep getting heavier unless you address them.

6. You Feel Lonely, Even Around Them

If you feel alone, unloved and unsupported even when you are with partner, it can be the loneliest feeling ever.

Do you feel you cannot openly communicate with your partner? Are you suppressing a lot of emotions and thoughts about your relationship inside you? Then you must understand its one the signs your relationship is over. If your partner is not as concerned about your well-being as you are about them, it is simply going to make things worse down the line. A relationship is not about one partner giving their all while the other just ignores everything. It’s a mutually nurturing and loving bond that you share with your partner.

When you stop looking away from the truth and living in denial, you will realize your instinct is giving you signs about how you truly feel. The sooner you listen to your emotions, the earlier you will be able to face the truth and start working on it. When you are not as happy in your relationship as you pretend to be, it’s time to take notice.

Understand This.

These are only subtle signs of your reality. These are not red flags that you will get a panic attack about losing the love of your life. There’s still a good chance of making things work. Start by asking yourself what you have done that has led your relationship to this place. Before blaming your partner, identify your own mistakes. That’s rule number one.

Then start by fixing your faults and do what you can to re-develop the attraction in your relationship. When you take charge, you will instantly see a momentous shift in your relationship dynamic. Make sure you talk to your partner about what you feel they are doing to affect the relationship in such a way. Approach them with love, understanding and compassion. If they are unwilling, take it as another sign.

Remember to approach them with an open mindset. Your goal is to understand them, not to make them understand. Do not hold on to limiting beliefs. And let go of your expectations. And finally, when they want to leave, let them. That’s how love works. Plain and simple.

Do you feel you are losing yourself in your relationship?


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A version of this post was previously published on Themindsjournal.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Why Your Toxic Ex Keeps Coming Back

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about entirely removing your toxic ex from your life. 

An ex is an ex for a reason.

Yet, how often do we forget that? How often do we break up with someone only to think about all the positives after they’re gone? How often do we warm up to the idea of getting back together (even though we know that would be a terrible idea)?

Here’s the cold, honest truth: Your toxic ex keeps crawling back because you’re letting him or her.

Don’t believe me?

Here’s 4 reasons exactly why they’re still a part of your life (even though you swear you’ve moved on):

1. You haven’t shut the door.

Maybe you’ve *officially* broken up, but you haven’t truly moved on. Whether you still follow him or her on Instagram, watch the Snapchat stories, or send arbitrary texts here and there, you haven’t fully shut the door.

There’s some small part of you that misses the connection, regardless of how toxic he or she was. And as much as you hate to admit it, you’re not willing or ready to truly leave that behind.

2. You’re keeping communication open.

You know the truth: you’re still talking.

Whether over direct message, a phone call every month, etc. you’re still in communication with this person. And don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable—you loved one another and had something real for a while—but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

If you want to know the real reason neither of you have moved on?

You never actually walked away.

3. You haven’t been clear about what you want and feel.

Your toxic ex keeps crawling back because you’re just not straight up with him or her about what you want. Maybe you know, in your heart, that the relationship is wrong. But have you had the courage to really tell him/her that? Have you really spoken your mind, even though it’s scary?

You’re going to have moments where you change your mind, where you feel strongly but get pulled back in, or when your heart plays tricks on your mind. But if you know you’re not in a healthy relationship, you have to have the courage to say goodbye. Once and for all.

4. You’re scared of being without him or her.

This is the hardest to hear, but you have to read and recognize it within yourself. Perhaps your toxic ex keeps crawling back because you’re allowing yourself to get tangled with him or her again and again.

There are moments where you can turn away without a second thought…and then there are nights when you’re alone and missing him/her is painful.

Letting go is difficult, but it’s necessary if you want the healing you deserve. You might be scared of being alone, or maybe even scared of living without this person because of how long you were together or what you built. But you must.

You deserve a clean slate and a relationship that honors and builds you. So please, shut that door.

A version of this post was previously published on The Mind’s Journal and is republished here with permission from the author.

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100 Practices for Great Relationships

What are you practicing for a terrific relationship? 

Once we conducted our analysis,”Keys of Good Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples About Lasting Love,” these are the practices that economists informed us had held them in good stead as they climbed their relationships.

As you browse through the list, assess your relationship’s strengths and weaknesses, and congratulate yourself for the areas where you shine. The list may also help you identify where work might nevertheless be expected from you and your spouse.

1. Cultivating vision by asking yourself,”What is available? What is possible here?”

2.

3. Showing up for what is happening.

4. Accepting/letting go/surrendering to what’s.

5.

6. Flexibility: Having the ability to change stations.

7. Having the ability to distinguish truth from creativity.

8. Letting go of guilt and visiting its origin.

9. Allowing yourself to get help and be encouraged; being a gracious receiver

10. Developing a community of support by accepting physical and psychological support and connection.

11. Practicing gratitude, particularly when you’re feeling or dizzy self-pity.

12.

13. Being vulnerable and open.

14. Having trusting relationships with other people who can see what you can not.

15.

16. Refusing to lie, and refusing to lie to yourself.

17. Practicing patience when you’re tired of waiting.

18. Regularly checking in with yourself and with your spouse.

19. Setting boundaries and stopping before you reach your limit.

20. Not withholding love.

21.

22. Creating a close main connection through giving and loving abundantly.

23.

24. Being willing to sense.

25. Letting others know how you are feeling.

26. Acknowledging vulnerability, fears, needs, and desires.

27. Dis-identifying with the ego/body.

28. Taking comfort and relaxation wherever you find it.

29.

30. Being involved with your kids’ friends.

31. Outgrowing the need for others’ approval.

32. Not taking on others’ projections.

33. Practicing approval of the small pains and losses.

34. Utilizing all of the experiences in life to deepen spiritual training.

35. Staying current and complete with everybody on your life, all of the time.

36.

37. Refusing to take a victim identity.

38. Accepting responsibility for everything in your life.

39. Refusing to engage in blame of others or self.

40. Staying away from poor therapists.

41.

42. Creating a huge space for the dark shadow, to add your craziness, weakness, helplessness, vulnerability, hatred, ignorance, and prejudice.

43. Caring for your body.

44.

45. Practicing humility.

46. Understanding how to replenish and refuel–and doing this.

47. Trusting your own body, not your mind.

48.

49. Continuing to provide no matter what.

50. Working in the event that you can; if you can not, do not.

51. Doing whatever it takes to get you through the evening.

52. Practicing generosity of spirit.

53. Finding something to be thankful for always.

54. Accepting love from others, even in case you doubt you’re worthy or deserving.

A version of the post was previously published on The Mind’s Journal and is republished here with permission.

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