“What would it be like to have a genuine partner?” I ask this question of my training clients quite often. Single clients that want to define what they want in a relationship, and married customers that are redefining theirs, all appear to have similar thoughts on the surface. Digging deeper, but it’s not necessarily the case. On the one hand, it’s a popular belief that”relationships require work” and that one must grind away for decades –in treatment, in seminars, in the trenches–to make it work. Other people state that”with the ideal person, everything is simple.” Needless to say, it’s necessary to have guidelines and make lists of the qualities you need in a partner, and, in the end of the day, that shows up might have fewer, or perhaps quite a bit more of these qualities than what you have on the list. I’ve been in relationships where I thought we had to maintain a therapist’s office weekly, and many others where we had much better things to do with our time than search for things to be angry about. The matter, however, wasn’t whether we were being advised or not. It was, rather, what our circumstance of”connection” was. In a lot of those instances, it became more about defining our happiness based on”work,” versus turning towards one another and exploring together what our deepest needs and desires were.When I work with couples, it’s usually for a shorter period of time as my purpose is to get them working in their partnership. As soon as they reconnect, they start to actually hear one another and love becomes current again. From this distance, they start to make decisions that serve their partnership as a whole. There may be deeper issues that arise, but when two people are working together towards recovery, things can change very quickly.◊♦◊I genuinely believe that partnership is possible with anybody. The question then becomes, how can you pick the”right” partner? This is the trick. This is the thing that the majority of us spend our time thinking, hunting for and, trying not to screw up by selecting the”wrong” one.A customer recently asked me if I believe in creating lists of qualities which one is looking for in a partner. I do. For me, there’s more to it than composing 30-or-so items which often appear on most lists: humorous, attractive, fantastic person, successful, etc.. While I could easily fill up pages with qualities and traits, I’m more interested in how I wish to experience a connection and how we serve as spouses.One way to approach this is by looking at these traits you need and asking yourself why you need or are drawn to those things. If I ask myself why I need”smoking sexy and super smart,” for example, what I’m really desiring to encounter is a profound connection and extreme passion. While”smoking sexy and super smart” are subjective, when I connect with how I wish to feel and experience venture with”her,” I experience a feeling and feeling I can connect with and, from there, feel when she and I revolve on that level–or not.Why would I need intelligent, socially aware and emotionally present? Since the experience I need in partnership is one of trust and ease. If I know that she’ll let me know if there’s a concern, if I know that we’re committed to working through whatever comes up together and if I know that we’re on exactly the exact same page so far as social issues and the way we dissect those, we have a lot more opportunities to connect at a deeper level, since there is less stuff in the best way to work through.Getting back to the question of”work” in connection: We get to see that there are various sorts of work, it’s simply a question of where and what your commitment is. Some people need all of the boxes checked with little room for thinking outside the box. Others are prepared to overlook every little thing for the possibility of”love.” The actual answer to what work is worth doing or not, starts with looking within, becoming clear on what’s important to you and why, and then being really real with yourself about how–of IF–you want to experience venture with another.For mepersonally, partnership resembles being willing to talk through things, spending some time just breathing together, asking questions of one another and actually listening to our own answers, making decisions together, taking the time to tune-in energetically with each other and having each other’s back, realizing that both people can and will handle whatever comes up.The possibilities are really endless here, and you get to say what works for you and how you would like to express yourself in partnership. I invite you to search for yourself and ask:”What would it be like for me to have a genuine partner?”– ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–Photo credit: Shutterstock

What would it be like to have a genuine partner?

The article Defining Your Idea of a Thriving Relationship appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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How To Use Personal Development To Type Loving Relationships

Our personal development travel, hopefully, gives us clarity on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the kinds of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?

I’m incredibly grateful for the years of personal development work I’ve experienced, both as a participant and facilitator. I’ve spent the last twenty years taking courses, reading books, working with mentors, participating in seminars, training clients, and leading workshops, all in the sake of becoming a better person, a better spouse, a better father, a better lover, a better understanding and a better contributor to society. A consistent comprehension that gets lost, however, is the understanding that the people around us are also people dealing with their own”stuff” in their own journey.

Understanding of self is vitally important, yet I’m not at all suggesting we provide that exploration up to only concentrate on others. What I am suggesting is this: As we grow, learn, and discover things about ourselves, we also search for how those things could possibly be expressed by other people. By the time a few finds me, or that I step into associations that seek out my help, individuals are usually feeling depleted and in pure survival mode. From this place, it’s almost impossible to take into account the person in front of us, as we are totally focused on our needs that haven’t been getting fulfilled. While we may decide to”take care of ourselves,” it is usually from a defensive and resentful place, versus among self-love. It is something to lovingly take responsibility for fulfilling your own needs, rather than doing it with anger and animosity towards another;”I am just going to have to perform ______ for myself because you are not going to.”

Our personal development travel, hopefully, provides us insight on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the kinds of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?

We have been shaped by our past, we’ve got each developed survival mechanisms and we all”act out” in ways which are based on these experiences. If we’re prepared to consider that the individual responding is doing so based on how they are in relation to their past, then we might discover there’s not any reason–barring abuse–for us to become defensive. If my spouse has had a long history of being talked-down-to and has developed her intellectual skills that she could never be out-debated, I get to realize that engaging in disagreement with her would be an unproductive, possibly hurtful strategy. On the flip side, if she understands that my default is to think I have done something wrong, using discussion strategies will just have me feel worse and drive a deeper wedge into our relationship.

This translates to associations also.

My parents taught school for 40 years, and for all the time, I’d hear them tell stories about how the administrators were a particular way. Administrators would say the way the teachers were a particular way, etc. Everyone believed they were correct, the other was wrong. No one was ready to listen to another and hence the animosity just became a daily experience.

The solution, then, is to simply stop it. Seriously.

When we can have a deep breath and be happy to hear each other from a place of genuine curiosity and having an interest in a partnership, then things can change rather quickly. In a romantic relationship, when we aren’t defending our position, we have a tendency to get very interested in our spouse. When this occurs, we naturally start working together toward shared interests; these pursuits tend to incorporate each other’s fulfillment.

Likewise, a unified organization with an interest in mutually beneficial outcomes promotes a happier and more productive work environment. Doing our own work while being interested in the work of our spouse, co-worker or personnel creates loyalty and connection and has the power to take things to a whole new level.

What can you provide for yourself now? And, what are you ready to discover about your spouse?

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.

Our personal development travel, hopefully, gives us clarity on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the sorts of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?

The article How To Use Personal Development To Type Loving Relationships appeared on The Great Men Project.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here